Thursday, January 3, 2013

Happy Holidays! Photos, Personal Life Update/Rant, and Plans for 2013

***WARNING: This is a very very long and detailed post. But it would mean a lot to me if you read all the way through! xoxo.

Hey everyone! I hope you all had an fantastic and safe Holiday! These past couple of weeks have been extremely hectic, so I've pretty much put blogging and filming aside for awhile. Now that it's over and life is starting to calm down again, I wanted to share with you guys some photos of my Christmas (a little late, but better late than never!). I'm bringing you this post to ring in the new year and all of the plans and changes I have in store for not just this blog, but my life and future as well. A new year is all about changes and I encourage everyone to let 2013 be your chance to start fresh and make your life the best it can possibly be. Let it be your reason to get motivated to become to be the best you that you have ever been!

My mom and I 

These pictures make me so happy. Gizmo gets so excited to get her presents on Christmas!

2013 is going to bring a lot of changes to my blog, which I'm so excited about. I'm sure you all know that I'm not the most consistent blogger and I tend to zone in and out of blogging, which I hate. That is definitely going to change this year. I have so many posts in store for you guys! I'm also going to be branching out as well. This blog has always solely been about makeup and beauty. I felt so limited all of the time, because there's so much more that I would like to share with everyone. This blog will always revolve around makeup and beauty mostly, but I want it to dabble in my life and other things that I enjoy, such as baking, decorating, photography, etc. To fit these changes, my blog will probably become simply "kailanmarie" instead of "makeupbykailanmarie". I hope that you all will enjoy these changes. Any feedback you have would be great!

I also wanted to announce that I'll be taking a hiatus off of making videos for my YouTube channel. I've wanted a beauty channel as long as I could remember and because I was always so shy and insecure, I started this blog instead to ease my way up to finally starting a channel! As you all probably know, I decided to just go for it and starting making videos for my channel back in October. I absolutely love the process of filming and editing and sharing with the people within the beauty community, but I've come across some conflicts.
Those conflicts are solely within myself and they basically tie into my problems with insecurities and self consciousness. This is something that I've always dealt with, but at the point that I'm at in my life, I've hit rock bottom. The main source of this issue relates to my weight issues, which I've been in denial about, for months and months. Less than 2 years ago, I remained at 118 pounds. I was so tiny that people thought I was annorexic. I wasn't, I was completely healthy. But that just shows you how little I really was. In these last two years, factors such as being in a comfortable, committed relationship, starting college and dealing with the stress that comes from that, and the biggest thing, which was going from having home cooked meals all the time to fending for myself and being on my own- which led me to have horrible eating habits. It's really hard for me to say it because I've been avoiding the truth for awhile now and I'm ashamed to face it now, but I've gained over 40 pounds, most of that gained in this past year alone. I don't fit in any of my clothes, haven't worn jeans in months, I'm afraid to go in public, and I've avoided every friend I had in high school because I don't want them to see who I've become.
My life has really taken a toll. I never imagined I would be the girl who would have trouble with weight, because it was never an issue for my entire life. Doing something about it was always easier said than done, because I seriously lacked the motivation. Going back to why this relates to YouTube though... When I would film and go to edit my videos, seeing myself on camera was way different than seeing myself in real life. I realized that when I looked in the mirror, I blocked out what I didn't want to believe was happening, but on camera, there was no where to hide it. It was sharing me point blank in the face. I was literally and utterly disgusted with how much I had let myself go. Every single time that I have edited a video for my channel, I fall into this mini depression where I just want to scream and cry  and be somebody else or just go back in time and knock some sense into myself! 
Like I said, I'm at rock bottom. There's no way in hell I could consciously let myself get past this point. I'm letting the new year motivate me to get back on a healthier path. Which leads to me to why I'm going to be taking a break from YouTube. It was only negatively affecting me, which was so disappointing because I've wanted to make videos for the longest time. I need to take care of myself for awhile and become who I was before, before I lost sight of myself. I'm not sure how long I'll take a break from videos, but I will keep you all updated!
I'm sure by now you can guess what my goals are for the New Year..
I'm dedicated because I'm giving myself no other option. I really hope that you all will understand so that I could perhaps also share my journey with you all on here, along with the other changes, as well!

If you got through all of that, I seriously love you. And I hope that at least made a tiny bit of sense to you, as it was very hard for me to write and will be even harder to publish this post. I hope that in some way, me sharing this with you, will help you to start making the changes you want in your life. You only have one life, give it your best shot!

I love you all so much and I appreciate all the kind words that each and every one of you takes the time to say. I hope all your New Years goals come true :)



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